Is Facebook a popularity contest for the needy?

Last night, over a glass o'plonk, I got to talking about my blog. "What do you write about?" asked the fine young gentleman to my left, "Well anything" I say, cautious to leave out my desperate dribbles about a certain fellow with floppy hair and a voice to melt butter. "Do you write about things that grate on your nerves?", "Me? things grating on my nerves? no never" Huh humm…alright I lied but, sometimes the feistiness is best left at home. "My friend writes a blog" he goes on, "Oh yeah, what about?", "Y'know, Twitter fuelling our incessant need to be in the know, youth culture, our desire to be accepted in cyber space, just things really". Wow, hard hitting stuff. It made me think - should I unbuckle my bum bag, turn off 'If I was Your Boyfriend' (should've been 'were' Biebs, it's a subjunctive - I'll forgive you, you're still pretty), stop moaning about the price of salads and write a piece that will actually get you thinking!? 

Well, I could at least try.

So, I considered a few angles -'angles', I already sound smarter. I could write about women's rights (nope, had enough of that at University), I could write about my understanding of politics, (nope, I don't have one), I could write about evolution and how we will all one day be robots…

Then it hit me - Facebook. We all have it, no Top Sites page would be complete without it. But secretly, and we all know it's true - WE HATE IT. 

Facebook has given the needy people of this world a place to go, it has given prepubescent people a platform to inflict the world with mirror pouting, flash distracting, self portraits. A stage for promoting their narcissistic, attention seeking behaviour. It is the cubicle doors of the union toilets, only the toilets doors showcase better spelling.

There are the fishermen/women, dangling half arsed sentences into our news feeds which read - 'Just got into A&E fml' or 'Can't believe he has dun dis agen, fort he woz 1 of da nice 1's'. Facebook is no Mills and Boon novel. It is like eating chocolate cake or having a cheeky fumble, the only one stimulated is you.

Then there are the the cyber space Jane Austens - folks overflowing with emotional grovel, so much so that it pours into our feeds like honey; sweet at first but soon to be sticky and damn right irritating. The virtual equivalent of a PDA outside Liquid and Envy, not classy, not cool, and sure to get you some quizzical looks. Is it necessary? of course not but, it aint official until it is Facebook official, y'all know that.

Then there are the Braggarts - The Mail Online posted a news story entitled 'The boast with the most: Bragging on Facebook 'can feel as good as sex'. What!? I can't recall a time admidst a girlie chat when 'The Slutty One' (if you can't think of who 'The Slutty One' in your group is then, and I am sorry to say but, it is probably you!) blurted, knocking wine out of plastic tumbler, "Had a one night stand with my news feed last night, he knew what to do". 

Facebook has become the first place we impart good news. Gone are the days we phoned our Nan's after cracking into the envelope containing our A-Level results. Gone are the days we ran farms and lived off the land, the only farms our future generation know of are virtual. Gone are the days we sent a Birthday card, no need, just post on their wall, it means more (and it's free).

What has happened to the days of picking up the phone, slapping on a pair of brogues and making the trek to your nearest Starbucks to see your Facebook friends in the flesh? Is this a sign of things to come? Can we look forward to days of sweat pants, no makeup and top knots, forging friendships over Facebook Chat? Will human contact become expendable? WIll relationships be built on the foundations of our likes and profile pictures?

Christ alive, I hope not - I am far to irritating in virtual form.

At this point, I think it is best I quit whilst I am ahead. After all, I don't wanna loose any Facebook friends.